Name Calling
M: Moommmmm! Joseph called me a baby!!
J: Well, she called me a woman! Baby!
M: Woman!
Baby Shower and Names
Me: So Maddie, your class is going to have a baby shower for Miss Heather tomorrow. Do you know what a baby shower is?
M: It’s where you wash the babies. You wash their heads, like this. (She demonstrates.)
Me: No… Joseph, do you know?
J: It’s where the person having the baby opens presents. Then you talk.
Me: Do you guys know what Miss Heather is going to name her baby? It is going to be a girl.
M: No.
J: Maurice?
Me: Maurice, really? That’s your guess?
J: Yeah. Maurice!
Me: No. Savannah. Savannah Jean.
J: You mean, like a caravan of bulls?
Me: What is a caravan of bulls?
J: Well, what’s a caravan?
Me: A line.
J: Ok, yeah, then a line of bulls. Why does her name mean a line of bulls?
Me: It doesn’t. It’s just a cute name.
J: But I thought you said a caravan was a line?
(A few minutes later)
Me: So do you remember what I said the baby’s name will be?
M: No.
J: Victoria!
Me: Really?
M: Jeans?
J: Jane. Jane Smith!
Maddie Muscles
From Maddie’s teacher: “Maddie is a good wrestler and can really hold her own!” Hmmm…
Wooden Locks
Joseph was brushing my hair (love that!) and he says: Mom, your hair is sooo beautiful. It’s like a wood floor.
Goldfish
Maddie told her teacher that “Joseph is not fond of goldfish crackers.” This is true…and confusing for Maddie, who considers goldfish crackers a staple.
Dinner Games
Noah has a game he’s started at dinner, to see who can go the longest without spilling anything off his or her plate. Competition is fierce.
Noah: “Maddie, remember, you can’t let any food get off your plate.”
Maddie: “Daddy, how am I going to eat if I can’t get the food off my plate?”
(Touché, Mads, touché.)
Noah, to me: “And I thought one of them might be like me.”
(Nope.)
Maddie Reads
Maddie comes running in, very excited. “Guys! Want me to read you my book?”
“Yes!” Joseph and I say.
“Ok,” Maddie says, “But I’m going to need a little help because, well, I can’t read.”
Controlling the Deer Population
I was whistling and calling for Joseph, he finally comes running up from the side of the house. “There you are! Where have you been?”
“Mom, you’ll never guess, but I sterilized a deer!”
“What? How? What? What do you mean?!”
“Yeah, I did, now it can’t have babies!”
“How exactly did you sterilize a deer?”
“Like this.” He stands still and STARES straight ahead. “I just did that and the deer did this…” He goes down on all fours and stomps his hands. “That’s it! Stare-ilized.”
Grandma’s Eyes
I got this note, and a recap too, from Maddie’s teacher Ms Vicki (yes, that’s her perfect handwriting)…
Maddie shared with her friends at lunch today, “My grandma as two black eyes.” Ms Vicki asked what color her eyes were before and Maddie says, “Grandma had to go to the doctor because her face was too fat. The doctor gave her two black eyes. Then she came home and put frozen peas on her eyes. Grandma said she wasn’t going to eat the peas. Grandma was also wearing sunglasses. And it wasn’t even sunny!”
I explained (to a probably relieved Ms Vicki) that my mom had eye surgery to correct heavy lids that were impairing her vision, which mom had described to Maddie as having fat removed from her eyelids.
A Holy Book
Me, opening a library book: Ewe, this books smells.
Maddie: Let me smell. (Sniffs.) It smells like God.
Me: What?! What does that mean?
Maddie: God. (She points to the ceiling.) Well, God’s breath. It smells like God’s breath.
Me: Does that mean it smells good or bad?
Maddie: Bad.
Me: Why do you think it smells like that?
Maddie: Because God was on it and his feet was on it.
Me: How do you know what God smells like?
Maddie, laughs: I don’t know but his feet smell.
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