Details of the French and Indian War. No, not that one, the one set in the West.

The British crushed the French so the French surrendered.

Note the guy sinking and the confused fish.

J: Mom, they are going to teach us Family Life Education, unless you sign this form.

Me: Oh, good.

J: You don’t want to sign the form?!

Me: You want me to? It’s important to know the right names for stuff and how the body works.

J: But in school?! That doesn’t seem appropriate!

Me: Why not, it’s part of education, after all.

—- a few weeks later…

J: So, FLE starts tomorrow.

Me: Oh yeah, what do you think you will learn about?

J: Puberty, body parts, child abuse and hygiene.

Me: Someone read the flyer! Good, maybe they can teach you to scrub your face with a washcloth once in a while.

J: No, not that kind of stuff. And — we’ll be “gender segregated.” But…none of us knows what that is.

Me: It’s separating the girls and the boys. Cuts down on the giggling when they have to say words like “penis.”

J: Mom! (He giggles.) I can’t even not giggle now.

Me: Oh I’m sure there will be plenty of giggling.

J: It still just doesn’t seem appropriate for school!

“Mom, you are not going to believe this, but I found the most inappropriate word today. I mean, it’s not a bad word, just–well… inappropriate. In our school.”

“Is it the word… ‘inappropriate?'”

“No. It’s… (he whispers) ‘condom.’ It’s in the dictionary. In the school. The school’s dictionary! I don’t think anyone else knows it’s there yet, but I found it, and another kid was there too. You should read what it is, you’ll see. You may want to call the school.”

“Mom can I try to break a wine glass with my voice?”

Joseph, the chances of you breaking the glass by dropping it are much greater. But, sure, go for it.

He runs off and returns a minute later to ask, “Do you have any protective eyewear?”

No. You’ll probably be ok without it.

(High-pitched scream. Maddie joins in. Then it’s quiet.)

“Well, that didn’t work.”

The kids’ school has a Mornings with Mom event every year where they serve coffee, fruit and pastries for the moms and kids. There are so many moms that they split it into two mornings, so alphabetically, we were assigned the second morning but I told the kids if Annika was up on the first morning, we’d go then, to avoid possibly having to wake her the next morning. This made Joseph very nervous. The alphabetic split is clearly defined on the flyer, and no matter which of our names, we are solidly in the second group.

“What name will you give them if they ask?”

“How about… Brown?”

“No, that won’t work. I mean, seriously. What will they do if they find out?”

“Probably kick us out. Drag us out by our ears!”

“Ha. Ha. Mom, really, what will happen?”

“Prison time, most likely.”

“Mom!”

“They won’t do anything. It’s allowed, the flyer said if you can’t make it on your day you can come on the other one.”

“But we can make it tomorrow!”

“Not if Annika’s asleep because I’m not going to wake her, so there’s the possibility we can’t go, therefore we’re fine to go today.”

He heaves a big sigh of relief. “Whewww! I feel a lot better about this now.”

J: I could do that, like, 24/7.

Me: Do you know what that means?

J: Well, no.

Me: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, in other words, all the time.

J: Ohhhh. That explains a lot, actually. Ok, well maybe like 2/2 or something then.