“Mom, you are not going to believe this, but I found the most inappropriate word today. I mean, it’s not a bad word, just–well… inappropriate. In our school.”

“Is it the word… ‘inappropriate?'”

“No. It’s… (he whispers) ‘condom.’ It’s in the dictionary. In the school. The school’s dictionary! I don’t think anyone else knows it’s there yet, but I found it, and another kid was there too. You should read what it is, you’ll see. You may want to call the school.”

“Mom can I try to break a wine glass with my voice?”

Joseph, the chances of you breaking the glass by dropping it are much greater. But, sure, go for it.

He runs off and returns a minute later to ask, “Do you have any protective eyewear?”

No. You’ll probably be ok without it.

(High-pitched scream. Maddie joins in. Then it’s quiet.)

“Well, that didn’t work.”

The kids’ school has a Mornings with Mom event every year where they serve coffee, fruit and pastries for the moms and kids. There are so many moms that they split it into two mornings, so alphabetically, we were assigned the second morning but I told the kids if Annika was up on the first morning, we’d go then, to avoid possibly having to wake her the next morning. This made Joseph very nervous. The alphabetic split is clearly defined on the flyer, and no matter which of our names, we are solidly in the second group.

“What name will you give them if they ask?”

“How about… Brown?”

“No, that won’t work. I mean, seriously. What will they do if they find out?”

“Probably kick us out. Drag us out by our ears!”

“Ha. Ha. Mom, really, what will happen?”

“Prison time, most likely.”

“Mom!”

“They won’t do anything. It’s allowed, the flyer said if you can’t make it on your day you can come on the other one.”

“But we can make it tomorrow!”

“Not if Annika’s asleep because I’m not going to wake her, so there’s the possibility we can’t go, therefore we’re fine to go today.”

He heaves a big sigh of relief. “Whewww! I feel a lot better about this now.”

J: I could do that, like, 24/7.

Me: Do you know what that means?

J: Well, no.

Me: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, in other words, all the time.

J: Ohhhh. That explains a lot, actually. Ok, well maybe like 2/2 or something then.

Joseph wanted to make corn chowder. By himself… I walked him through the steps. Chopping, stirring…

Me: So the next step is to taste and adjust the seasoning. So have a taste.

J: Well, let me see… (tastes). Yep, well it tastes a little like the countryside and I want it to taste more like the seaside. I think a little salt will do it. (Adds a pinch of salt and stirs. Tastes.) Mmmmm. Yep, now it reminds me of the seaside. The fresh ocean air.

Me: Ok then. Do you want to add any pepper?

J: No! (Laughs) I don’t want it to taste like an execution chamber! (Rolls eyes)

(We let it simmer a bit.)

J: Can we have a candlelit dinner? For a nice, gourmet experience? And I’ll get napkins, and roll them up with the utensils like they do in restaurants. I think we should have a side meal too. What can we have for a side meal?

Me: A side dish, you mean? I don’t know, what goes with corn chowder?

J: Applesauce, yeah, your homemade applesauce!

Me: Ok, applesauce it is. What kind of music do you want to have?

J: Some nice jazz. One with a saxophone.

Me: How about Coltrane?

J: Sure.

Dinner is served!